Some say emotions are not real – thoughts and feelings are not a fact. To my mind, emotions are simply a fact of life, or more precisely, a fact of any sentient being. Emotions are a response to a sensation, either from an internal or external source. The response is setting in motion our inner life force, the energetic make up of our subconscious. That is a very real experience.
When we experience betrayal by a person or a group, the actual conclusion we make is exclusion from the social pool. Exclusion is a REAL THREAT. As social beings we are highly dependent on the care of our fellow beings. If we do not get it, our very survival is at stake. The emotion – the feeling of the real threat – that accompanies that experience of exclusion, is a WARNING to our system. That emotion is very REAL and points to a FACT: the fact of a looming threat to our social safety.
Can you change the perspective by redirecting your thoughts on that particular emotion? Maybe. The threat does not go away though. It is real, and hurts deeply.
What does it look like anyway, to change the perspective on hurt? In the moment we experience the hurt, it’s impossible to rationalise, because at the heart of the fearful emotion of exclusion is the instinct for survival.
Our emotional balance depends on the treatment we receive
Emotions are not fiction. We cannot just flip a switch to make them go away. As social beings, we don’t live isolated from each other. It’s no mistake to feel and have emotions, negative or positive, good or bad.
Believe in your emotions – they are real! Sometimes we may be able to step away from our negative emotions – then we try to deal with them in a rational, intellectual way. We may be able to learn from our emotions that way.
Foremost, we need to accept our emotions. We need to treat them as friends. Emotions teach us something about ourselves. Looked at from a point of view of instruction, they reveal a truth. That truth is often a complication within our own minds that stirs our feelings and disturbs our equilibrium.
But make no mistake. No man is an island. We are not lone tigers roaming the woods. If feelings of incompetency or shame come into play, remember that being human means being safe inside the herd. Isolation is not what you were intended for.
Instead of pushing emotions away, listen to them
Our emotional reactions and our feelings are all valid. There is nothing wrong with feeling abashed, blocking off, protective behaviour, or discomfort. It’s only natural.
Negative emotions are an indication that something is not going to plan. If emotions are uncontrollably negative and causing painful mental experiences there is an underlying issue that is crying out for resolve. Resolving these issues by reasoning emotions away is not a viable possibility.
Rationalising emotions is a hard task when suffering acute mental pain. If you feel betrayed, that is a very real emotional pain and to shift perspective is very difficult. The pain remains. You as the betrayed can no longer go to that person for comfort. You can no longer put trust into that person to protect you, to love you, to care for you.
What to do?
Can I trust anyone? How can I restore my faith in people? To turn to someone we believe we can trust is a conceivable way to heal that inflicted wound. The healing success depends on how deep the wound is and who inflicted it. The closer the person is to you, the deeper the wound.
Healing success also depends on the duration of emotional stress – climate change is testing our stamina by being so persistent.
We may feel betrayed by authorities who would not care to take measures to combat the disaster. We lose faith and cannot trust them or the process of improvement. Any such experience contributes to the feeling of uncertainty. Mistrust grows, together with losing faith in the future, in authorities, in people.
Trust, reliance and certainty are the three sisters to have in your repertoire for emotional wellbeing.
The change we want begins with us. We create positive karma if we become a trustworthy person who is dependable and gives others the reassurance to rely on us with certainty. Allowing trust to reside inside us is a very real opportunity for opening minds and hearts.
Emotions manifest as facts beyond appearances, and while someone can tell us a hundred times to see them as one possible perspective, the impression of the negative experience sits there and weighs heavily on our psyche.
On the other hand, the impression of a positive experience remains just as a happy emotion.
If we are able to keep the negative in check and put a bit more fire under the happiness cooker, there is a good chance to win the game.
We cannot talk emotions away. Luckily, they are here to stay. Can you imagine a sentient creature without emotions?
Dr Antoinette Ensbey
