An expert weighs in on the long-debated question, what sort of parent-child relationships are healthiest? Which approach will lead to better outcomes for everyone in the future?
Quality time with children over the summer break strengthens parent-child relationships – but is that a friendship? An early childhood expert from RMIT says parents should not be friends with their children and parent-child boundaries are important.
Lecturer in Early Childhood Dr Elise Waghorn said, ‘Friendships signify a willingness and choice to participate in a mutual relationship. Unlike parenting, where there’s no opting in or out. When parents are “friends” with their children, they run the risk of children not being accountable for their actions.’
Parenting requires a certain level of authority over children
Dr Waghorn says there are four main styles of parenting in child psychology: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and disengaged.
‘If parents were to have a friendship-like relationship with their children, it would be considered a “permissive” style,’ she said. ‘While this style tends to be very loving, there are minimal guidelines and rules. This ultimately will result in children struggling with self-regulation and self-control.
‘They also tend to lack self-discipline and have poor social skills, feeling insecure due to limited boundaries and guidance.
‘Most experts would agree that the “authoritative” style is the most appropriate, as it is an approach that combines warmth and sensitivity but still enforces restrictions and limitations. Authoritative parenting style is the ability to recognise the difference between being respectful, listening, and supportive and when rules and expectations need to be enforced.’
According to Dr Waghorn, boundaries and limitations help children develop routines and rituals, worthwhile life skills which will ultimately prepare them for adulthood.’
In general, it is obviously important for parents to establish a foundation of trust, open communication, and mutual respect with their children. While being a parent involves providing guidance, setting boundaries, and ensuring the child’s well-being, it doesn’t mean that a friendly relationship can’t coexist.
Some things to keep in mind
Balance: It’s essential to strike a balance between being a parent and being a friend. Parents need to fulfill their roles as caregivers, mentors, and authority figures while also being approachable and understanding.
Boundaries: Clear boundaries are crucial. Parents need to set and enforce rules, but they should also be open to discussing and explaining those rules. Children should feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings within the established boundaries.
Respect: Both parents and children should treat each other with respect. This includes listening to each other, valuing each other’s opinions, and acknowledging each other’s feelings.
Age and Developmental Stage: The appropriateness of a more friend-like relationship may vary based on the child’s age and developmental stage. Younger children may need more guidance and structure, while older teenagers may benefit from a more collaborative and open dynamic.
Parental Authority: Parents need to maintain authority to guide and protect their children. While being friendly, it’s important for parents to make decisions that prioritise the child’s well-being, even if those decisions are not always popular.
Role Modelling: Parents serve as role models for their children. Demonstrating healthy relationships, effective communication, and problem-solving skills can contribute to the development of positive relationships within the family.
Ultimately, the key is finding a middle ground that works for the specific family and respects the needs of both parents and children. Open communication, empathy, and understanding play crucial roles in building a strong and healthy parent-child relationship.
